Sad Day

Alright, so as expexted all is weird. Im actually sitting in class today, chorus is particular. The stupid retarded nonsensical event happened last night. I agree that it would be offensive if it were reworded in their heads as they did. I think that'd the worst part, that it was reworded out of context. I want people to actually listen to me.

(Continued)
So im in the bus now. I looked outside, the One was there again today. This person keeps looking around a lot. Didn't seem like this person was thinking of much. But I saw the One make a glance at me. I want to tell this person everything. I want to learn everything about this person.

Oh and my english teacher saw that i was sad today. She told me to smile since the school day was done. I thinl shes very perceptive. I like her as a teacher.

The Epiphany of the Ages

So I realized why I have no friends. Why I'm so alone in a vastness of meaningful things, all unpertaining to me. It's because I myself am a horrible person. I don't amount to anything that I want to be, or what others want me to be. I am always in the middle. People stay away from me because I am not like them. But I don't know why I'm not like them. I just want to be loved and to love others as they love me. I've never felt so alone....

But I am horrible. I am not a good friend, I cannot keep friends close enough. I scare them away, and for reasons that are not to my understanding. I just want someone, one person. Someone who will save me from this phase in my life. I want a change.

I still believe that there are things in this world that happen for a reason. I don't really know what this reason is, but I thank God every day and night that I'm still breathing, even if I'm not worthy of it.

People always have arms waiting to catch them when they fall. I look down from this endless drop I'm falling in and I see no arms, no hands, no fingers. Nothing. I see just an endless night where I keep on falling. Just falling. Perhaps, this is freedom? Perhaps, this is what is needed to be alone in this world. The only thing I do have is God. God will save me from this.

Tonight, I experienced an emotional pain I have never felt. I clenched my fingers into my bed as I wept. I wept for so many reasons that I could not comprehend. And now I look into the music I'm listening to, my escape. The title of the song is "Love Me"....I wish I could smile at the irony of it, but the song makes me want to weep, weeping in the total reflection that is the mirror this song has been made for my heart.

I need you now. And you know who you are. I need you, please love me back. Because no one else truly will.

It Usually Is

All right, so church went by a little slowly but I ended up learning more in depth of a well known concept about how Jesus' cruxifiction saved our sins. Really interesting but pretty long.

Anyways, I really should be finishing my apps for FIT and Parsons but I still have tomorrow so I'll do it then, just as long as I remember. I do wish my application gets accepted for the honors college in Emerson, so I can get that half tuition scholarship. That would be amazing if I end up getting other scholarships so I end up going for free. I've come a long way and I plan to go even further.

I'm utterly terrified of going to college. I know I can handle myself but I just dont want to experience new experiences alone. But at the same time, i think it will be good for me.

Ive all ready set the goal of losing all this unneeded weight this year. It's time for me to be seen for the way I feel about myself.

Also, the One and I will share a unique but ideal love with eachother...I can feel it!

This week has been very odd, but nice.
Monday: Finally got the phone that i've been wanting for the longest time. And the One was waiting where the buses were. Every time i walked down the hallway, this person stared in my eyes. Finally, at the end of the day when the buses left, this person looked at me the entire time...my heart has never felt so excited.

Tues and Wed: Snowday no school. Played around with my phone. Thought about the One all day both days.

Thurs: No D.C. trip b/c of two hour delay. But saw the one pass me, 5 times and stared at me almost every time. Sometimes this person looks mad or sad, i wanna know wats on their mind.

Fri: Barely saw the person, passed them twice. They've been avoiding looking in my eyes. I wonder what's wrong. I don't believe in horoscopes but says my life is about to change. I can feel the One is a major part of it..I hope so.

K got my new phone seeing if mail blogging works.

I Need To Know

Dear Secret Person,

I know you, I've seen you in the hallways with your walk...what is it about you? What is it about you that makes me feel like I've known you forever? I was just sitting there, out of nowhere you come right in front of me, and I look up. Our eyes meet and my heart jumped. It jumped! Do your realize the only time that's happened before I had considered this person a bestfriend for a while? But no, I have never said a word to you and yet, I feel you...a connection I cannot explain. What is it? I want to know! I know you from somewhere, as if someone had given me a memory of you...a wandering but beautiful memory of a friendship traveling in time. I walked behind you and images of us in a field as newspaper boys just laughing at the sunny day popped up. I walked behind you and 1800's France popped up....it's like I've known you forever, and I know you again now. Will this be the lifetime that will not have its own memory made with you? How can this be?....I wish time would not have brought us such little time. Just when darkness had been rid, you were the light that shined a silver lining. Who are you? All I know is your name. All I've heard is that you're brash and cocky, but I know what's inside. I know that when you were staring off into nowhere you were thinking. I know that when I looked at your direction and quickly turned, that you knew that I know you. Please tell me that you do! Please tell me that you know of these memories being rekindled once again!

I know you! But I need to know you now too...we have one life, but how have these memories been put inside. Has destiny made us pieces to a puzzle? It is only my hope that it is. Please, all I ask is for a meeting, a chance for me to find out; to be near enough and to hear you say that you know what is happening. I need answers...soon...Thank you.

Reflection On A Horrible Year...

What has happened to my life?
Everything used to be fine....everything used to be so simple.
Now I just feel like a target....and the world has pointed all its burning torched arrows at me.

I've been left to be scarred, but for what?
I want to know the higher purpose, I know there is one...

i am done...my heart has suffered enough, and I've been left cold to stick a sharp lifeless needle and thread just to sew up the remains of my shredded heart.
All Hagerstown has done for me was show me that I wasn't worth a damn cent.
All Hagerstown has done for me was to give me people who have taken me for granted, who have taken who they thought was me, the part that would not only reach out a hand but to rip off the sleeve where my kindness laid.
All Hagerstown has done was show me that I did not belong, that I was not meant for music, and the harmony that was once there to guide me has turned a sour note.

I am completely numb now. I have no words to show how cold it has been all the sudden, how lonely I am. How everyone and everything has left me under the light post as I hold my head between my legs and wrap the lonely arms that i have come to know as my only friends.

I have spoken and it has vibrated....just vibrated through the abyss...worthless and unaffecting...I had been the old house that spoke but no one's listened, and I am left alone with walls repainted, renailed, remade for what people have wanted me to be. And I chose to shed even a window into myself, and all it has done was welcome those with feet covered in soot and mud to come upon my hallways to leave their dust and debris without even saying goodbye.

I am falling, and I feel as if I am waiting for someone to catch me, only to realize as I can see rock bottom that there are no other arms there. There is no person...just faces looking up watching me fall. Spectators...

What have I become? Have I changed? Have I brought this upon myself that now I am paying a price? But to what cost? If it has been my fault I want to know, I want to know how much exactly I need to pay to redeem what I thought was simple and bareable to live by. A time when a smile was just a smile and not a mask to hide what others have ignored over and over again. Even now, the only thing that has not let me down is God. And I ask for a higher calling, a higher purpose, and all I keep getting is "wait, wait, wait". For what? I want to know. 

And for those who are reading this...petty concerns are nothing without meaning. I have had enough wet walls drying as audiences returning faint words of "understanding"....but how far does that really help a person...to understand....there's more to understanding than words...

I can't do this anymore. I need to go away...far away....I need to think.